Contrary to my expectation that I would be completely traumatised by turning 40, I haven't given it much thought at all until recently. I hated turning 30, and the six months leading up to it where filled with way too much angst and introspection. Up until then I hadn't really cared about my age, although it seems ridiculous now to say I wasn't concerned about my age when I was young. So if turning 30 (which, in retrospect, is of course still very young with lots of potential for an exciting life ahead) was traumatic, then 40 would be devastating. But you know, two months out, not so much. Surely I should be panicking by now? But apart from the occasional fleeting feeling that my youth has passed me by, I'm pretty much indifferent about it.
I think my temperament is much more suited to middle age, I always felt like a bit of a failure at being young. Sadly, my wild and crazy youth was never particularly wild or crazy. I wasn't into clubbing or boozing, and I didn't like parties even then. I travelled the world on nice buses and trains and stayed in hotels and with relatives. I skipped the backpacking and the year of sharing a house with 23 other Australians in London. I do sometimes wish I hadn't been quite so sensible, I'd kind of like to be able to look back fondly on a misspent youth. But when I think of the things I wish I'd done, and remind myself that it's actually not too late for a lot of them, I remember that I never really wanted to do those things in the first place. And some of the things that made me feel like a freak when I was younger aren't such an issue anymore. It seems a lot more acceptable to be single at 40 than at 30, for example. At some point I must have crossed over into "left on the shelf" territory, because elderly relatives, friends of friends and other people who don't know me very well no longer bombard me with questions about potential husbands, which is fine by me! I learned very quickly that trying to explain that I was perfectly happy being single and not overly fussed about the whole marriage and babies thing was not a helpful tactic. They would often either pity me (because clearly I'm only saying that to cover up for my sad and lonely spinsterhood) or become defensive, as if it was some kind of attack on married people everywhere rather than just my own personal preference. It was easier to just accept sympathetic comments and deflect attempted set-ups until I could wrangle my way out of the conversation. Now we just don't have the conversation at all, which is so much nicer.
I'm genuinely hoping for a midlife crisis of some sort. Not a big one, nothing too dramatic or painful, just a little change would be nice. Maybe an urge to change jobs, study, travel or...I don't know, something. Although if I'm not feeling those things now I can't imagine they're going to just hit me suddenly, but you never know. I did consider a tattoo for a while, that seems appropriately midlife crisis-y, but decided pretty quickly that if I was unsure about it then I really shouldn't. I didn't want to do something I'd later regret, which seems appropriate as that's pretty much how I've lived my life until now. Now I can even say I like that about myself, and it's nice to know that some things will never change, no matter how old I am.
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