Is it odd that I’ve always considered myself a loser? As long as I can remember, even as a child, I’ve never thought of myself as being good at something or expected to be in any way successful. It’s not as if I was ever told that I wasn’t good enough, my parents were perfectly loving and supportive, and even some teachers seemed to think I did okay, but it’s as if I've always carried around an innate feeling of uselessness that’s not based on anything in particular. I suppose it also ties in with my almost complete lack of confidence, but I think I’m getting better at that. Or at least I’m getting better at not feeling bad about lacking confidence, if not getting better at actually being confident. But I’ve only recently started to notice that while I wear my insecurities on my sleeve, sometimes others hide theirs behind bravado and false confidence. When I started an online writing course recently we had to introduce ourselves to our virtual classmates. I was surprised to discover that just about everyone else wanted to be an actual novelist, as well as already being highly accomplished in other areas. Some said they had books already written, others had entire series’ planned out. Whereas I just wanted to have a bit of fun and maybe learn something along the way. Naturally this display of confidence made me even more self-conscious about my own abilities. It wasn’t until we had posted our first assignment (which, much to my horror, is done publicly so we can read each others submissions) that I realised that some of that confidence was misplaced. It made me feel much better, both about my own abilities and my lack of confidence. It’s not because I liked seeing others do badly, it’s just that it reminded me that being confident and being capable aren’t necessarily the same thing. I’m very open about my lack of ability, in case anyone might think I was capable of something when I’m not, so I‘ve always assumed those who were incessantly confident actually felt that way. It was quite nice to discover that I share common ground with some of those overly confident people that seem so different to me.
I guess it really just comes down to how we like to be seen by others. I assume it's very important to some people that they be seen as confident and capable. Others might want to be seen as intelligent. Or attractive. Or funny. Or authoritative. Me? I like to be nice. Now I realise that some people reading this who have actually met me might suggest that I don’t always succeed at that, and I don't, but it's what I'd like people to think of me nonetheless. Nice and kind. It's what's important to me, and it's what I value in others. (Although it just occurred to me as I wrote that I'm not even confident in my niceness!) Probably the oddest thing is that I really don't mind being thought of as a loser, and surely it's all relative? One person's loser is another person's awesome. Or something. Either way it's fine with me, and confidence is overrated anyway. At least that's what I think, although I'm probably wrong.
