Where's My F***ing Cake?! Part 2: Dazed and Confused.

So it’s been a few weeks since I entered the sucky, deprivation filled world of dieting and the bad mood should really be kicking in about now, but so far it hasn’t surfaced. Normally by this stage I’d start daydreaming about food cartoon-style - streetlamps look like ice cream cones, people’s heads look like giant donuts etc. I should be imagining everything tastes better than the drab food I have to eat and racing through the chocolate aisle at the supermarket trying to avoid eye contact with the Lindor balls, but it just isn’t happening this time around, and it's kind of freaking me out! I am making sure I get a small treat most days, and I have given myself permission to enjoy anything I like in restaurants since I don’t eat out all that often anyway, so I’m not completely deprived. But mostly I think having a good reason (other than to be smaller) to keep at it has made the biggest difference. Motivation appears to work for me, who knew? It’s quite the revelation. I do still expect the bad times to kick in sooner rather than later, but that might just be my innate pessimism talking.

I have done some things differently this time around to give myself the maximum opportunity to succeed; I've told people, for one. Not everyone, and only if it comes up in general conversation, but I have actually said it out loud several times. Most people are supportive, encouraging and sympathetic, even the ones who haven't had to deal with a weight problem themselves. Telling people is always a double-edged sword, however. While on the one hand it makes it easier to turn down food being offered without making it a big deal, on the other I also have to deal with those people who take it upon themselves to "help" me. You know the ones, watching everything that goes into your mouth, making little comments like "are you allowed to have that?" and "aren't you on a diet?" I know they're trying to be helpful but you know what? It doesn't help. Not even a little bit. I am more than capable of feeling guilty all by myself, thanks. To be fair, these are generally the people that don't know me very well, because if they did they'd know it’s not going to be appreciated. I know they mean well and they think they’re helping me stay on the straight and narrow but, and I say this with all the kindness and understanding in the world, they really need to shut the fuck up. No one wants to feel judged and criticised, especially about something that they judge and criticise themselves for every day.

I’ve also just not been so hard on myself when things do go awry. Of course there has been the occasional bump in the road and cravings that just had to be satisfied, but I have avoided falling into a pit of despair because of it, which is a major hurdle in itself. I do guilt so well, and never as efficiently as when I’m making myself feel bad about something inconsequential. And I miss cake. A lot. While I can be satisfied with a comparatively small amount of chocolate, I can’t just have a little bit of cake, and I don’t want to waste my cake eating on something less than awesome anyway, so I’m holding out until a slice of something really luscious crosses my path, then I’m going to savour every bite - and not feel guilty about it! I just hope some well-meaning do-gooder doesn’t try to come between me and my moderately consumed guilt-free cake, or there will be tears. Almost certainly mine.

The Other Diet

I read something the other day about going on a "shopping diet" where you stop spending money on anything other than the bare necessities. Turns out I've been on that one for a while, and it's a much more successful diet than the other, infinitely more sucky one where I give up eating all the lovely, delicious things that I enjoy so much. I inadvertently started shopping dieting a couple of months ago when I got a letter from Telstra telling me they were cutting the cost of my monthly internet access by $50. That’s right, they’re actually charging me less. I know, I couldn’t believe it either! So now I had an extra $50 a month to put towards my very slow growing holiday savings fund. It got me thinking about how I could save more money and, much like the other kind of diet, I knew I had to take a good look at my spending habits if I was going to make some real changes. First off I placed an embargo on all book and DVD purchases until further notice. Now normally I would consider these items crucially important to my day to day happiness, however working in a library should mean never having to buy a book or DVD, so I really had no excuse other than wanting something and wanting it now rather than waiting my turn. This one is easy to keep because I still feel a very strong sense of shame when I see the piles of unread books I’ve bought over the last couple of years that I so desperately had to have at the time. I also have a healthy collection of DVDs still wrapped in plastic. This is the reason I actively avoid JB HiFi stores, I'm a sucker of those "buy me I'm cheap" stickers. I will, however, never skimp on music. That’s a different thing entirely. I’ll always buy a CD or pay for a download of something I really want because, unlike the books and DVDs, I know I'll actually listen to it.

It was much harder to give up the things that seem fairly small on their own, but add up to a lot of wasted money in the long run. The occasional pair of earrings or a new lipstick. Magazines I skim through but never really read. Impulsive “no reason” presents for my niece or nephew. Even seemingly useful things like plastic containers (one of my major vices) are superfluous when I already have a kitchen cupboard full of them. And of course actual food dieting also helps since (in theory, anyway) I won't be buying all those lovely treats that I usually can't resist. I’ve had to re-evaluate the shopping habits of a lifetime, and the weird part is, after the initial feelings of deprivation, it turns out I don’t actually mind all that much. Maybe it’s middle age or maybe I’ve finally just learned to be sensible, but my shopping diet is nowhere near as painful as the other diet. I still miss the shopping buzz, that tiny moment of joy I’d get from buying something pretty but ultimately unnecessary, but I don’t actually miss the excess stuff. Occasionally I have to fight the desire for instant gratification to avoid paying full price for something that I know I can get cheaper elsewhere, or at least force myself to wait a few weeks until the same thing is on sale. And I can't quite bring myself to be as frugal as I'd really like to be, but I'm a lot closer than I was. I've even unsubscribed from most of my shopping emails so I won't be tempted by apparent "bargains" that really aren't. I feel smug when I don’t spend money that I could have spent, and I even get a small buzz from watching my savings increase. Now, if I could just transfer that feeling of smug satisfaction to food deprivation and weight loss I’d be laughing. Unfortunately, while I will hopefully have some temporary success in that area, I think chocolate will always win the final battle, especially if it’s on sale.

Where's My F***ing Cake?!

Do you know what I hate? Dieting. Do you know why? Because it sucks. I know this because I've done it many, many times, and I've even lost considerable amounts of weight doing it. It's just that it always comes back, and then some. And do you know why that is? Because I like to eat. Eating is awesome. Food is one of my great pleasures in life. I eat when I'm happy and I eat when I'm sad. I eat to celebrate and I eat to commiserate. I love the anticipation of a great meal. I love to cook. I love sharing food with people who also love to eat. It's a wonderful thing to do, and I indulge in it as often as possible. I have sworn off dieting for the last 10 years, which has been fantastic food-wise, but disastrous waistline-wise. So it is with a heavy heart that I have to accept that the time has come to give it another go. When I say I haven't dieted for 10 years, I really mean I just haven't tried very hard. I've attempted half-arsed “dieting”, which usually consists of promising myself I'll eat less and exercise more while still remaining very casual about it. While I like this system in theory, and I'm sure it works for some, the reality is that it doesn't work for me. I know if I'm actually going to achieve any proper weight loss then I need to do it the hard way: calorie counting and deprivation. I hate those bastards too, by they way. So yeah, here I go again. Oh, and while I'm on the subject, you know what else I hate? Exercise. In fact I think I hate exercise even more than I hate not being able to eat whatever I like. While I know I will have to do some exercise at some point, right now I'm going to concentrate on the deprivation before I add the very special horror of exercise to my list of crap I really don't want to do, but have to.

The reasons for reactivating my dieting efforts are simple. Firstly, it's time. I'm 41 years old and despite having been overweight all my life, have yet to suffer any major illness, weight related or otherwise. I've never spent a night in hospital. Never been to emergency. I don't even get the flu very often. I can only assume this is just dumb luck, because I ain't doing anything right. Being overweight, eating badly and not exercising should put me in the very tip top category for “lifestyle” related illnesses, but so far I've managed to avoid anything serious. Thing is, I know that my luck has to run out sooner or later, and maybe I should do something before it becomes a genuine problem. But that's not even the biggest factor in all this. My chief motivation is wanting to travel, something I haven't done since I turned 30. Now, financial constraints aside, I feel my biggest travel obstacle is my arse. Literally. My arse will have to be considerably smaller if I'm going to squeeze it into a reasonably priced plane seat. And as I have been promised much amazing food when I get to the other side, I feel it is finally a good enough reason to step away from the cake and make an effort, if only so I can travel to the other side of the world and eat up a storm!

I should warn you now that this may or may not become a regular blog theme. It's not something I would usually write about, and I am so not a fan of those dieting blogs where someone writes about their “journey” and it's all terribly emotional and uplifting and life changing. Fuck that shit. Given that I have a pretty good idea who the handful of people who read this are, I feel fairly safe and comfortable sharing my dieting hardship here, should anyone care to read it. Writing helps me get my frustrations out, and posting it on the internet helps keep me nice and angsty, so any diet blogs will largely consist of swearing and complaining. I also think it's a way of being more accountable, even if it's only to myself. For now, as much as I know it will suck, I'm actually looking forward to it. I will enjoy my final week of eating and then I will probably enjoy a couple of weeks, maybe a month, of feeling virtuous and healthy before proper diet grumpiness kicks in. That's when the real fun begins.

Be Still, My Bleeding Heart

I consider myself to be very liberal. I believe very strongly in the “live and let live” philosophy. I don't consider my views or opinions to be the most important, or even necessarily correct, they are just mine and yours are yours and everyone is entitled to their own. I also believe I'm very tolerant of all kinds of differences. I'm not religious, but I respect everyone's right to believe (or not believe) in the God of their choosing. I'm not gay, but I don't see why gay people shouldn't be given the exact same legal rights to marriage as everyone else. I believe everyone should have access to the best possible health care and education regardless of their economic situation. I believe everyone in Australia has a right to be treated equally and fairly whether they were born here, migrated here or arrived by boat in a desperate attempt to flee their homeland. I am a bleeding heart liberal, and proud of it. But, perhaps ironically, the one area I find it difficult to be tolerant of the opposing viewpoint is politics. I admit it, for all my liberal leanings, conservatives confuse the hell out of me! Now, while I'm tempted to turn this into a political rant, especially as there is a Federal Election going on as I write this, I think I'll spare you that particular pleasure. But I have been wondering if I can consider myself to be genuinely liberal if I am so intolerant of the opposing viewpoint. I don't have to like them, and I certainly don't have to vote for them, but shouldn't I at least accept the conservative view to be just as reasonable and valid as my own? Does it make me a bad liberal if I don't? I feel at this point I should explain for any non-Australians who may be reading that the main conservative party in Australia is called The Liberal Party, so it's not bad enough that I find their politics objectionable, but it also really pisses me off that it's almost impossible to call yourself a “liberal” in Australia without having to explain that you actually mean you're not a conservative. I'm sure they did that all those years ago just to annoy me. Which is one more thing that I don't understand about them. So where does this leave me on the liberal scale? Can I be a truly open minded if I find closed mindedness intolerable? Should I be working on acceptance rather than railing against the conservatism? Am I, in fact, just as bad as they are? More importantly, why don't they just agree with me?! I'm not actually expecting answers, and I may just be trying to come to terms with a potential conservative government led by an idiot in a speedo, but the very liberal side of me is slightly disturbed by my obvious bias against conservatives. I would like to think I could change, but it would be so much easier if they just weren't so damn wrong.

Techologically Unbalanced

Technology annoys me. I hate the way it insists on evolving and being responsible for new and covetable items that I feel I need to have, even though I was perfectly happy with what I already had until this new thing came along. After years of complaining about texting and how useless I am at it, I finally traded up to a phone with a full keyboard that makes texting so much easier. It’s also great for a quick email check or internet search when I’m away from a computer. It's perfect. Well, it was perfect until somebody let me play with their iPhone. Now I want one of those instead. Or as well as, if I could think of a way to justify both. This is annoying because I was really enjoying this phone. It’s fun to use and is so far above anything I've had previously, and had I not been introduced to the iPhone I would be none the wiser. But I've got the idea of the shiny new gadget into my head, so what was a great phone now seems like second best.

Of course there’s always the fear that I will give up something I’m happy with only to find the new item is just not as good as the old one. I had a great DVD player. It was stupidly cheap, but it played DVDs (which is all I was asking, to be fair) and it would remember my place even when I turned it off or took the disc out. I realise this is quite standard technology, but I'd always get just a little excited to have it pick up from where I left off with no scanning backwards and forwards and trying to remember where I was up to. Then I decided to get a DVD recorder for those rare times that I actually wanted to record something. I couldn’t justify the cost of a PVR, so I figured this was a reasonable alternative. It works fine and does what I need it to do, but it doesn’t save my place like the old one did. Now every time I have to waste time trying to find where I got up to I just get annoyed all over again. And on a much more superficial level, it’s not as pretty as the old one. That one was sleek and silver and unobtrusive. This one’s black and clunky and takes up more space. While it is "better" in theory because it records, I still miss the old one. Although I am pleased it found a good home - I passed it on to my mother who’s also very impressed when it saves her place, so at least its legacy lives on.

Now, as much as I want the iPhone, the reality is my phone works fine, is still relatively new and makes me happy, so why can’t I get past the overwhelming desire for a different one? And it would also mean retiring my beloved iPod which despite being almost four years old, has never given me a moment’s concern. So this leaves me with a difficult dilemma - do I move on to something better (in theory), and leave the past behind, even though I've been happy with it up until now? Or do I stick with what I’ve got which, although slightly outdated and imperfect, I’ll be very sad let go? And why must stupid technology change and improve just to torture me, anyway? I'm so happy when I don't know any better. In my ideal world I’d still be content not sending text messages while listening to records and making mix tapes that I could play on my awesome Sony Walkman.

Un-relaxation

So I went away this past weekend, and it was lovely. We stayed in a beautiful house and I spent lots of quality time with my gorgeous niece and nephew, which I love. And it was very relaxing, which I also love. But it also helped confirm something that I’ve suspected for a while: I’m really bad at going on holiday. I think the main problem lies in the fact that I don’t actually need to relax. I’m very good at relaxing, I‘ve had lots of practice, and I have no need to “get away” from my usual life to do it. I don’t have a stressful job or difficult home life, and I’m pretty content with my day to day activities. Going on the kind of holiday where I sit in a nice house or fancy hotel always seems like a great idea, but great location and company aside, I‘ve decided that it‘s just not the right kind of holiday for me anymore. For a start there’s usually no internet access, or if there is it comes at a premium price. I’ve long given up on feeling guilty for the amount of time I spend online. Why would I deprive myself of something I enjoy so much just because it might seem a little unsociable? Especially considering I’m generally unsociable by nature anyway. Still, I think I subconsciously feel that I need to be punished for my internet interest and I must take any opportunity to go without. Which I suppose isn’t so bad in theory, but the internet is responsible for the vast majority of my entertainment these days, so without it I‘m relegated to whatever‘s on TV or in magazines and newspapers. I would add books, which is normally a great way to pass the time, but I just don‘t read anywhere near as much as I used to, unfortunately. (I suspect the internet is partly to blame for that, too.) I’m also a creature of habit, and I don’t much like leaving my comfort zone. It only takes a lumpy bed or an unruly shower to remind me why being wherever I am is not as good as being at home.

This revelation isn’t all bad, however. I have decided that I just need to take holidays where I actually do things, go places and see stuff. In other words, I need an un-relaxing holiday. I need the kind of holiday that I come home from feeling like I need a holiday to recover from it. I haven’t had one in years, due mostly to financial constraints and increasing laziness as I amble towards middle age. I need to get out and do things more in general, and if I’m going to take the time, energy and expense to travel somewhere, I think it’s time I actually started doing things when I get there. Not that I'll be doing anything too exciting considering I’m probably the least adventurous person you’ll ever meet. My idea of roughing it is staying in a three star hotel, and even that’s pushing my comfort levels. And I’m certainly not the outdoorsy type, so I‘m not going to be climbing mountains or exploring oceans. The aforementioned laziness doesn’t help, either. Regardless of all that, I’m determined that the next time I actually go somewhere on holiday it’s going to be as un-relaxing as possible...without heading too far out of my comfort zone, naturally. Or at least I’m going to spend as much time out of the hotel/house than I do in it, even if it‘s just to wander around shops, visit tourist attractions and sit in restaurants. I have considered the alternative option of just getting a more stressful life to make the relaxing seem more worthwhile, but the un-relaxation method seems like a lot less effort.

The unpacking's finally done.

So I've moved the last of the MySpace blogs over here just because I like the idea of having them all in one place. I don't think I would have even considered blogging if it hadn't been for MySpace, so I am a little sad to be making the final move away from it. I liked having that little corner of the internet where I could quietly go about my business, and I was always surprised and touched when people took the time to read and comment. It gave me the confidence to keep going, when confidence isn't normally something I'm in possession of. But as much as I fight it, change is inevitable, so I'm settling into my new home. It feels scarier here, less intimate and more impersonal, but I don't know that that's necessarily a bad thing. One thing I have come to realise very recently is that I really enjoy the process of writing these blogs, even if they've often caused my already high levels of anxiety and self-doubt to go through the roof. Just learning to put my thoughts into vaguely coherent sentences makes it worthwhile for me, so it really doesn't matter where they are or how many people read them. I'll still be quietly ranting away in this little corner, should anyone care to join me.