Techologically Unbalanced

Technology annoys me. I hate the way it insists on evolving and being responsible for new and covetable items that I feel I need to have, even though I was perfectly happy with what I already had until this new thing came along. After years of complaining about texting and how useless I am at it, I finally traded up to a phone with a full keyboard that makes texting so much easier. It’s also great for a quick email check or internet search when I’m away from a computer. It's perfect. Well, it was perfect until somebody let me play with their iPhone. Now I want one of those instead. Or as well as, if I could think of a way to justify both. This is annoying because I was really enjoying this phone. It’s fun to use and is so far above anything I've had previously, and had I not been introduced to the iPhone I would be none the wiser. But I've got the idea of the shiny new gadget into my head, so what was a great phone now seems like second best.

Of course there’s always the fear that I will give up something I’m happy with only to find the new item is just not as good as the old one. I had a great DVD player. It was stupidly cheap, but it played DVDs (which is all I was asking, to be fair) and it would remember my place even when I turned it off or took the disc out. I realise this is quite standard technology, but I'd always get just a little excited to have it pick up from where I left off with no scanning backwards and forwards and trying to remember where I was up to. Then I decided to get a DVD recorder for those rare times that I actually wanted to record something. I couldn’t justify the cost of a PVR, so I figured this was a reasonable alternative. It works fine and does what I need it to do, but it doesn’t save my place like the old one did. Now every time I have to waste time trying to find where I got up to I just get annoyed all over again. And on a much more superficial level, it’s not as pretty as the old one. That one was sleek and silver and unobtrusive. This one’s black and clunky and takes up more space. While it is "better" in theory because it records, I still miss the old one. Although I am pleased it found a good home - I passed it on to my mother who’s also very impressed when it saves her place, so at least its legacy lives on.

Now, as much as I want the iPhone, the reality is my phone works fine, is still relatively new and makes me happy, so why can’t I get past the overwhelming desire for a different one? And it would also mean retiring my beloved iPod which despite being almost four years old, has never given me a moment’s concern. So this leaves me with a difficult dilemma - do I move on to something better (in theory), and leave the past behind, even though I've been happy with it up until now? Or do I stick with what I’ve got which, although slightly outdated and imperfect, I’ll be very sad let go? And why must stupid technology change and improve just to torture me, anyway? I'm so happy when I don't know any better. In my ideal world I’d still be content not sending text messages while listening to records and making mix tapes that I could play on my awesome Sony Walkman.

Un-relaxation

So I went away this past weekend, and it was lovely. We stayed in a beautiful house and I spent lots of quality time with my gorgeous niece and nephew, which I love. And it was very relaxing, which I also love. But it also helped confirm something that I’ve suspected for a while: I’m really bad at going on holiday. I think the main problem lies in the fact that I don’t actually need to relax. I’m very good at relaxing, I‘ve had lots of practice, and I have no need to “get away” from my usual life to do it. I don’t have a stressful job or difficult home life, and I’m pretty content with my day to day activities. Going on the kind of holiday where I sit in a nice house or fancy hotel always seems like a great idea, but great location and company aside, I‘ve decided that it‘s just not the right kind of holiday for me anymore. For a start there’s usually no internet access, or if there is it comes at a premium price. I’ve long given up on feeling guilty for the amount of time I spend online. Why would I deprive myself of something I enjoy so much just because it might seem a little unsociable? Especially considering I’m generally unsociable by nature anyway. Still, I think I subconsciously feel that I need to be punished for my internet interest and I must take any opportunity to go without. Which I suppose isn’t so bad in theory, but the internet is responsible for the vast majority of my entertainment these days, so without it I‘m relegated to whatever‘s on TV or in magazines and newspapers. I would add books, which is normally a great way to pass the time, but I just don‘t read anywhere near as much as I used to, unfortunately. (I suspect the internet is partly to blame for that, too.) I’m also a creature of habit, and I don’t much like leaving my comfort zone. It only takes a lumpy bed or an unruly shower to remind me why being wherever I am is not as good as being at home.

This revelation isn’t all bad, however. I have decided that I just need to take holidays where I actually do things, go places and see stuff. In other words, I need an un-relaxing holiday. I need the kind of holiday that I come home from feeling like I need a holiday to recover from it. I haven’t had one in years, due mostly to financial constraints and increasing laziness as I amble towards middle age. I need to get out and do things more in general, and if I’m going to take the time, energy and expense to travel somewhere, I think it’s time I actually started doing things when I get there. Not that I'll be doing anything too exciting considering I’m probably the least adventurous person you’ll ever meet. My idea of roughing it is staying in a three star hotel, and even that’s pushing my comfort levels. And I’m certainly not the outdoorsy type, so I‘m not going to be climbing mountains or exploring oceans. The aforementioned laziness doesn’t help, either. Regardless of all that, I’m determined that the next time I actually go somewhere on holiday it’s going to be as un-relaxing as possible...without heading too far out of my comfort zone, naturally. Or at least I’m going to spend as much time out of the hotel/house than I do in it, even if it‘s just to wander around shops, visit tourist attractions and sit in restaurants. I have considered the alternative option of just getting a more stressful life to make the relaxing seem more worthwhile, but the un-relaxation method seems like a lot less effort.

The unpacking's finally done.

So I've moved the last of the MySpace blogs over here just because I like the idea of having them all in one place. I don't think I would have even considered blogging if it hadn't been for MySpace, so I am a little sad to be making the final move away from it. I liked having that little corner of the internet where I could quietly go about my business, and I was always surprised and touched when people took the time to read and comment. It gave me the confidence to keep going, when confidence isn't normally something I'm in possession of. But as much as I fight it, change is inevitable, so I'm settling into my new home. It feels scarier here, less intimate and more impersonal, but I don't know that that's necessarily a bad thing. One thing I have come to realise very recently is that I really enjoy the process of writing these blogs, even if they've often caused my already high levels of anxiety and self-doubt to go through the roof. Just learning to put my thoughts into vaguely coherent sentences makes it worthwhile for me, so it really doesn't matter where they are or how many people read them. I'll still be quietly ranting away in this little corner, should anyone care to join me.

Um, what?

One thing I've learnt from 20 years of working in public libraries is that most people are nice. The vast majority of them aren't out to be difficult or rude, they don't want to be unreasonable or argumentative. On the whole, the general public are polite and decent. It makes me happy to know this, and it makes it easier to deal with the very few that aren’t so nice. Most of the time. Some days it’s not so easy to deal with. Those days seem to be made up of that man who stands at the photocopier clicking his fingers when he needs help, without even looking up or an "excuse me", like I'm at his beck and call. Or the person who answers their phone in the middle of an enquiry and expects me, and the people waiting impatiently behind them, to just hang about until they're done. Then there's the guy who doesn't seem to get why it's really not appropriate to look at porn on the library computers. And on very rare occasions there are people like the man who bailed me up for ten minutes with a story that he seemed to think was particularly witty and interesting, but was actually just dull and stupid. I listened politely and laughed when he thought I should because it seemed like the right thing to do. Unfortunately this must have led him to believe I was some kind of kindred spirit, because he then went on to make an appallingly racist comment, obviously expecting me to agree with him. I am not a confrontational person, especially at work, but I do have an excellent cold hard bitch glare that I bring out on rare occasions when I really want to make my feelings known. He visibly flinched, so I assume it was a particularly good one. Then he wandered off without even ending the conversation, leaving me to alternate between anger at his ignorance and horror that he seemed to think I was also a racist. It's hard not to be offended by that. Those are the days I need to be reminded that people are basically nice, which they are. Mostly.

Better late than never

I've recently become enthralled with The West Wing. Oh yes, I know everyone was watching it years ago when it was actually on television, but not me. Nope, I prefer to wait until everyone has seen it, raved about it, been obsessed with it and then moved on before I actually get into something new. Of course by now just about everyone who's going to watch it has watched it, so once again I'm left with a new obsession and no one to share it with. And this is one situation in which the internet is useless, because looking up a television show that's already ended is just asking for trouble. It can only lead to finding out all the good stuff that happens in episodes that you haven't seen yet because it's all been written about and discussed long ago. It wouldn't bother me so much except I do it over and over again. I do it with television shows, books, movies and music. I miss the boat on pretty much anything worth enjoying and discussing, at least until it's too late and everyone else has already boarded another boat entirely. It's not that I don't know what's popular, quite the contrary, it's just a combination of procrastination and stubbornness that keep me permanently out of the loop. I know there are shows that everyone's talking about and I manage to not only miss them when they air, but I can’t seem to get around to watching or downloading them online, either. It's never been easier to watch pretty much anything I want, whenever I want, and yet I still manage to miss most of the good stuff. I also have a stubborn streak when it comes to anything that's really popular. I like to think of it as the Harry Potter factor; the more people are talking about something, the less interested I am. Sometimes, as with Harry Potter, it comes from a genuine disinterest and no amount of persuasion is going to change my mind. Other times it's just a stubborn need to not follow the herd, even if it's to my own detriment. At least DVDs are much easier to come by once the hoopla has died down. Most people are happy to lend their copies of shows they've already watched, and even buying them is much cheaper once the initial flurry of interest has passed. That's about the only advantage as far as I can tell. Sure I could take a cursory glance at the things that everyone's talking about now, just in case some of it turns out to be worth paying attention to, but that‘s just not the way I do things. No, it’s much more like me to stay back here behind the times, all on my lonesome, quietly taking note of what everyone’s watching now. Because in five years time I’ll be all over it.

The passing of time, and all of its crimes

Contrary to my expectation that I would be completely traumatised by turning 40, I haven't given it much thought at all until recently. I hated turning 30, and the six months leading up to it where filled with way too much angst and introspection. Up until then I hadn't really cared about my age, although it seems ridiculous now to say I wasn't concerned about my age when I was young. So if turning 30 (which, in retrospect, is of course still very young with lots of potential for an exciting life ahead) was traumatic, then 40 would be devastating. But you know, two months out, not so much. Surely I should be panicking by now? But apart from the occasional fleeting feeling that my youth has passed me by, I'm pretty much indifferent about it.

I think my temperament is much more suited to middle age, I always felt like a bit of a failure at being young. Sadly, my wild and crazy youth was never particularly wild or crazy. I wasn't into clubbing or boozing, and I didn't like parties even then. I travelled the world on nice buses and trains and stayed in hotels and with relatives. I skipped the backpacking and the year of sharing a house with 23 other Australians in London. I do sometimes wish I hadn't been quite so sensible, I'd kind of like to be able to look back fondly on a misspent youth. But when I think of the things I wish I'd done, and remind myself that it's actually not too late for a lot of them, I remember that I never really wanted to do those things in the first place. And some of the things that made me feel like a freak when I was younger aren't such an issue anymore. It seems a lot more acceptable to be single at 40 than at 30, for example. At some point I must have crossed over into "left on the shelf" territory, because elderly relatives, friends of friends and other people who don't know me very well no longer bombard me with questions about potential husbands, which is fine by me! I learned very quickly that trying to explain that I was perfectly happy being single and not overly fussed about the whole marriage and babies thing was not a helpful tactic. They would often either pity me (because clearly I'm only saying that to cover up for my sad and lonely spinsterhood) or become defensive, as if it was some kind of attack on married people everywhere rather than just my own personal preference. It was easier to just accept sympathetic comments and deflect attempted set-ups until I could wrangle my way out of the conversation. Now we just don't have the conversation at all, which is so much nicer.

I'm genuinely hoping for a midlife crisis of some sort. Not a big one, nothing too dramatic or painful, just a little change would be nice. Maybe an urge to change jobs, study, travel or...I don't know, something. Although if I'm not feeling those things now I can't imagine they're going to just hit me suddenly, but you never know. I did consider a tattoo for a while, that seems appropriately midlife crisis-y, but decided pretty quickly that if I was unsure about it then I really shouldn't. I didn't want to do something I'd later regret, which seems appropriate as that's pretty much how I've lived my life until now. Now I can even say I like that about myself, and it's nice to know that some things will never change, no matter how old I am.

No offence, but you'd have to be stupid to read this blog.

Why do people think that saying "no offence" immediately before or after saying something offensive somehow negates the offensiveness of what they're saying? It seems to be treated as some sort of get out of jail free card - you can say whatever you like because you've played the "no offence" card first. And if the recipient is offended then they're just being a bad sport, I guess. It seems to me that it's really just a way to insult people and feel like you're getting away with it. I reckon the rule should be if you feel the need to start a sentence with "No offence, but..." then it's probably safe to assume that you shouldn't be saying it at all. And if you've thought about it enough to preface it with the "no offence" tag, then you have no excuse. I understand speaking without thinking, I do it a lot more than I'd care to admit, but if you know before hand that it's going to be offensive, insulting or hurtful, then you should know not to say it all. Unless of course you actually intend to cause offence, in which case I would say don't make excuses for yourself. Stand proud in your offensiveness instead of cowering behind an insincere "no offence" defence.

There is also a smaller sub-group of people closely related to the "no offence" types, but much worse in my opinion. The "I just have to say what I think" people. Or maybe they're "I'm just being honest" people. Or "I have a right to speak my mind" people. Man, I hate all those people! I've known a few of them in my time, and they never cease to offend and insult as often as possible. It's quite a gift, I reckon. And they have an opinion on everything, whether it affects them or not. They don't like your shirt. Or your haircut. They'll tell you what your "problem" is when you didn't even know you had one. It's like they never grew out of that childhood phase of saying the first thing that comes to mind, and being seemingly oblivious to the hurt they cause along the way. As much as we might say we appreciate honesty, I think most people know when it's appropriate to be completely honest and when it's kinder to keep an opinion to yourself, so it's always a bit of a surprise when you meet those brutally "honest" types who insist on constantly giving their opinion, whether it's appreciated or not. And they continually get away with it because people like me won't call them out on their insults because I don't want to offend them by pointing out that they're being offensive.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh. Maybe these people just lack the ability to filter what comes out of their mouths, so don't get why some things are okay to say and some things aren't. Maybe not everyone is as stupidly introspective as I am, therefore do the majority of their thinking out loud. I'm tired of pretending it's okay to be insulted by people who obviously know they're being insulting, but I also kind of pity their inability to stop themselves being offensive. I'd like to think I'll be brave enough to tell them that next time someone tries to “no offence“ me. I just hope they don't take offence.