Demographically challenged

I stupidly forgot to charge my iPod over the weekend so was forced to spend the drive to and from work yesterday listening to the radio, and it was a very painful reminder of why I gave it up in the first place. The annoyance of having to constantly change stations in the hope of finding something worth listening to was almost unbearable. If I had to do it more often I think I'd just learn to appreciate silence instead. I'm disappointed to know that there is still no radio station in Sydney I would want to listen to for more than a few minutes at a time. I understand demographics are a very broad way to categorise a potential audience, but what happens when you don’t fit into your demographic? Or any demographic, for that matter? As a 40 year old woman I seem to be relegated to the “greatest hits” stations. I don’t mind a bit of that, I can appreciate a cheesy 80s power ballad as much as the next person, and the private confines of my car are a great place to belt out a chorus of Livin' on a Prayer. I don’t even mind a bit of Rick Astley or Soft Cell, but I didn’t want to listen to Cold Chisel the first time around, and I’m not about to start now. I understand the nostalgic appeal of those stations, but at what point are you supposed to stop caring about new music and resign yourself to only listening to the music that was around in your younger, presumably more fun-filled years? It doesn’t help that my taste has never really been particularly mainstream anyway, so my idea of “classic hits” don’t usually make it onto their playlists. The top 40 stations don't work for me either. I'm so out of the loop popular-music wise that I have no idea what's even in the top 40 these days, and from what I've heard I have no real interest in finding out. Although it was vaguely interesting to hear music by some of those people I've only ever seen pictures of in magazines. And why do all commercial stations apparently feel they need "wacky" breakfast teams to entertain the masses? I don't particularly want to hear their contrived, obnoxious and not particularly funny anecdotes. I can't even imagine choosing to listen to the frighteningly conservative talk back show alternatives on AM radio. I was forced to listen to one of these shows the last time I was in a taxi and spent the entire trip resisting the urge to yell obscenities at the people who called in, not to mention the equally appalling host. I don't want to know these people exist, let alone listen to them spouting their ignorant, bigoted opinions on the radio. Talking in general on the radio doesn't appeal while driving anyway, even the very few decent, interesting talk shows. Oh, and do commercial stations get together and decide to play ads simultaneously?! Because they all seemed to be playing at the same time, making flicking between stations even more useless. Even the alternative stations that used to make up the bulk of my radio listening back in the day don't hold my interest like they used to. So where do I belong in the radio listening demographic? I feel too old for popular music, too liberal for AM talk back, too alternative for greatest hits and too uncool for alternative. I guess it leaves me with the internet, an iPod and a soon to be purchased in-car charger.

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to

I don't like to think of myself as overly emotional, but in reality I do actually cry very easily at the most ridiculous things. It's annoying, frustrating and occasionally embarrassing, but I've yet to figure out how to stop it happening. It’s not that I think crying is bad, on the contrary, I think it’s a great way to get out pent up emotions, as long as I’m alone, or at least with people that I know and trust and not making a public spectacle of myself. Of course there are many valid reasons to cry, it’s the not so valid ones that bother me. I can be ridiculously sentimental, and sometimes just thinking of something touching will have me fighting back tears. And sad songs make me cry. Not all of them, and not all the time, but in the right frame of mind they can really set me off. Tank Park Salute by Billy Bragg almost always does it. If I have it on in the background or I don’t pay close attention to the lyrics, it’s okay, but if I let myself get caught up in it I can‘t avoid getting a little teary. Of course my taste in music leans toward the melancholy anyway, so I’m not doing myself any favours. I was talking to a friend’s 16 year old son about music the other day and he referred to most of the bands I mentioned as “sad British music”. I think that’s a great description, but I’m pretty sure he meant it as a bad thing. I love music that can alter my mood and take me away from whatever’s going on at the time, even if it’s only for a few minutes, and sad songs in particular can be excellent fuel for a nice bit of wallowing. Sad movies, on the other hand, I avoid like the plague. It's not that I don't think that a sad movie can be wonderful, some of the best I’ve seen have left me in floods of tears, (shamefully, I will also fall for the really obvious, manufactured to be “sad” movies, which just leaves me feeling stupid for being so easily manipulated) I’m just reluctant to watch something that I know will upset me; I have real life for that. I want my movies to be enjoyable escapism, they should cheer me up not leave me feeling worse. While I will happily listen to sad songs, part of the appeal is that they’re over very quickly, but if I’m expecting something sad to happen in a movie I won’t be able to enjoy it anyway because I’m waiting for the sadness to kick in and then trying desperately not to cry, which only  makes it worse. Although I don’t always have the luxury of prior warning, so I have seen some very weepy movies in my time. For me, the saddest ever was The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. I saw it many years ago, when they would still show old movies overnight instead of infomercials, and I happened to catch it in the very early hours of the morning. If I had known anything at all about it I would never have watched it, but I got caught up and by the end I was sobbing. The thing is, part of me would really like to watch it again because I still think about it occasionally and would like to see if it matches my memory of it. But I couldn’t possibly sit through the sadness again, and I know I would be crying long before the really sad part even makes it to the screen.

The thing that frustrates me the most about my weepiness is that I can’t ever really get angry - I just get teary. I can never make a forceful complaint or be outraged without becoming ridiculously emotional and eventually incoherent, so I’ve trained myself not to bother and just seethe quietly instead. Although later on, when I'm replaying the incident, I really give it to them. No one would want to mess with the forthright, no nonsense imaginary me, let me tell you! Sadly for me she only exists inside my head.

Occasional coarse language

I enjoy swearing. There’s something very satisfying about venting frustration, anger or annoyance with a good swear. I know it’s not for everybody, and I’m certainly capable of censoring myself when necessary, but it is something I do a lot. I’ve been involved in a few conversations about swearing recently and it’s interesting to hear how much people differ on the subject. I would say most of my friends have a similar view to me, although they probably aren’t all quite as enthusiastic about it as I am. Some won’t say certain words, which I respect and understand. I’m sure I have a limit somewhere too, it just seems to be a lot further away these days. Other people think it’s completely unnecessary, and  in a way I also agree with this, not that being unnecessary would ever stop me. I have many conversations where I’m able to say what I need to say and effectively get my opinion across without using anything close to swearing. I know it can be done, I just don’t always want to. Although I do have to be careful, I have been known to slip up if I'm in a particularly bad mood or speaking passionately about something. I find it's a bit of a case of once I start I can't stop, so it's better not to start a lot of the time. It can also be a struggle to keep the bad words inside my head, and I do often mutter them under my breath, which is bound to get me in trouble one day. But on the whole I think I know when to let it all hang out and when to be more demure. There’s definitely a naughtiness factor to it, and I will sometimes say things for the shock value. The timing has to be right, and the audience definitely has to be right, but there can be great satisfaction in using certain words when people aren’t expecting it, especially from a frumpy-ish, middle aged woman.

My appreciation of swearing probably goes hand in hand with my shamefully puerile sense of humour. I can't help it, if it's done cleverly and with the right amount of irony, I just find smutty innuendo very, very funny. At the same time I'm also a bit of a prude, and can be quite put out if someone who doesn't really know me makes a crude joke, expecting me to laugh along. It seems to me that the difference between entertaining and offensive when it comes to “rudeness” is intent. If a person knows me well, and they know that I know they’re joking (and I know that they know that I know they‘re joking), then they can say pretty much anything they like to me and I won’t take offence. But if someone I’ve just met or barely know made a similarly crude joke I’m much more likely to consider it inappropriate. It's probably an unfair distinction to make, and marks me as a bit of a hypocrite, but I do think that there's a very fine line. I would never assume it was okay to use certain language or say certain things to people unless I was sure they were aware of, and happy with, the manner in which it was intended. I know it’s a grey area, and it’s hard to be completely sure, but in this case I take the precaution of when in doubt, don’t. It's one of the reasons I try not to swear too often on the internet (publicly, anyway). I know I should be able to say whatever I like, but I’m also aware that not everyone will appreciate it, and I’d hate to alienate people I like by offending them with my potty mouth. I don’t want to be known as that person, even though in the right company I’m actually quite proud of it!

Sorry doesn't help (but it can't hurt)

I'm sorry to admit that I am a serial apologiser. It doesn't matter what the situation is, if I feel that there's even the slightest chance that I am wrong or somehow responsible for something, I will be apologising and feeling guilty for it. Sometimes I don't even have to be at all responsible for something to feel the need to apologise. I have never possessed the confidence to ever really be completely sure about things, so if something goes wrong I automatically feel that I must be somehow responsible. Or if I'm not responsible this time, I almost certainly must have made the same mistake in the past and therefore deserve to feel guilty by proxy. I do this a lot at work. No matter how sure I am about something, there's always that little niggle of doubt in the back of my mind. How can I be really sure that it is the way I think it is? What if I'm remembering something incorrectly? It's the reason I can never take part in trivia nights. I am virtually incapable of remembering important or valuable or worthwhile information, but useless crap is constantly wedging itself into my brain and refusing to budge. It helps to read low-brow magazines and wander around the internet a lot, there's just so much useless crap to take in wherever I turn. I reckon I'd probably be fantastic at trivia, but I will never, ever go to an organised group event. Because the first time I'm sure of an answer, and someone else in the group challenges me, I will give in to them because their challenge will automatically make me doubt myself. And they'll be wrong. And we will lose and it will be all my fault! I just don't need another way to feel like a failure, particularly if my failure means others will also fail. And I really don't need any more guilt, I'm overburdened with that already.

I would say it's residual Catholic guilt, but I was only ever a half-hearted Catholic at best. And I didn't do the whole Catholic school thing. My religious education really only consisted of school scripture classes, and they never did concentrate much on the more guilt-inducing aspects of the Catholic faith in those. Although I am quite proud that the only time I was ever sent out of the classroom in all my years at school was during Scripture. And by a priest, no less. Oh yeah, that's as badass as it gets! Still, I never paid enough attention to religion to really develop some hard and fast religious-related guilt, so I can only assume the ridiculous guilt-ridden feeling I've lived with all my life is just somehow naturally ingrained. Although over the years I have learned to appreciate the difference between genuine guilt and doubt-induced guilt, which is much less painful, although no less real. Knowing that I've done something that is deserving of guilt and/or shame is almost unbearably awful. Feeling guilty because that's just my default position is much easier to deal with. I also have a real fear of insisting I'm right about something and being proven wrong, which would be terribly embarrassing. Much better to assume I'm wrong and occasionally turn out to be right after all. At least that way if I am wrong I'm not embarrassed or even particularly disappointed, and in a strange way I‘m actually right anyway. So either way, I win.

There's nothing like the first time

If I could go back in time I wouldn't bother with the great moments in history. I'd much rather go back to the first time I heard The Smiths or saw The Office. I'd even be happy to go back a couple of months to the first time I watched The West Wing. That moment when I discover something really amazing is one of my greatest joys in life. There's not much that makes me happier than hearing an incredible song for the first time. Or discovering a television show that I can't tear myself away from until I've seen every minute of it. Or a wonderful book that's so engrossing that I can barely do anything else until it's finished, but also try to drag out as long as possible because I don't want to get to the end. Music is probably the most obvious and accessible. I love a song that can alter my mood, that makes me stop what I'm doing and forces me to listen to it rather than just playing in the background. Those are the moments when I know it's something special, and no matter how much I love a song, or how often I listen to it, it's never quite the same as that very first time. In the past I've made the mistake of searching for a replacement. I've tried to recreate the moment by hoping that something similar will have the same affect, but it doesn't work that way. I can't make it happen, it just does.

Then there are the oportunities to share something I love with someone else who may also love it, which is probably as close as I get to reliving the discovery. I don't really like to recommend things all that often, at least not too enthusiastically. I might mention something in passing in the hope that it may trigger someone's interest, but would never insist on them watching, listening to or reading whatever it is. I feel so attached to the things I love, even though I've had nothing at all to do with their creation, they're far too personal to me to have someone else dismiss them as unworthy. But those rare occasions when someone does actually "get it" the way I "get it" are worth the risk. As much as I would love to relive those moments of discovery, and I'm envious of people who are yet to experience the things that I think are so amazing, the best part is never knowing the next time that moment will hit. Will the next song I listen to be one of the ones that make my stomach flip? Will that new show have me so enthralled that I'll lose sleep to watch one more episode, and maybe just one more after that? Maybe that film that everyone's talking about will actually turn out to be as brilliant as they say, who knows? All I can be sure of is that it will happen again, and it will be worth waiting for. It always is.

The pursuit of boredom

Some days I wonder what my life would be like if I was more easily bored. Apparently some people get bored being at home with not very much to do, not something that's ever been a problem for me. I am rarely bored at home, where just about everything that I find entertaining is within easy reach. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, I am pretty much always looking forward to when I can get home and back to my mundane, everyday activities. I am much more easily bored when I'm out. I'm bored at work, where it can be a kind of repetitive and mindless at times. I'm bored when forced to socialise with people that I wouldn't normally choose to spend time with. I'm bored when faced with a barrage of stuff I have to do, but don't really want to do. But when I'm at home, not having to think about work or what needs doing, when I know I have an entire day to just sit around and watch TV or surf the net or read a book, that's when I'm happiest. Not to make it sound like that's all I do. I have responsibilities and obligations to take care of like everyone else. And I do actually enjoy going out and spending time with friends, especially those who I don't get to see anywhere near as often as I'd like. I get on well with my family, too, and genuinely like spending time with them, which I realise is actually quite a rare and wonderful thing in itself. I enjoy socialising as much as most other people do, it's just that I'm usually kind of relieved when it's over. In the past I have allowed myself to feel like there's something wrong with me for not having the same boredom threshold as others. It seemed to be considered odd that I didn't accept every social invitation, even when it's to something I wouldn't dream of doing otherwise, and know I won't enjoy anyway. Or not wanting to go along to something just "for something to do", like that should be reason enough. I never understood the desire to socialise with random people that I don't know, either. Sure, they could turn out to be interesting, like minded people, but they could also be painfully dull. Why risk it? These days I am of the very firm belief that you should get your joy wherever you find it, regardless of whether or not it's considered important or worthwhile by others. Expecting the "big" or "important" things to make me happy doesn't work, there are too many possibilities for things to go wrong, and expectations are generally way too high. But if spending my weekend watching an entire television series on DVD. Or hours surfing the net while playing games and chatting with friends. Or turning down an invitation to a party in favour of staying home with a good book makes me happy, then I don't feel like that time is wasted. I just feel incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to spend my time doing the things I really enjoy. How could that ever be considered boring?

With compliments (and some complaints)

Compliments are nice. In fact I would say they're one of my all time favourite things. What's not to like about a compliment? I like to give them at every opportunity, but I do have the very strict rule that they must always be sincere. Always. Otherwise what's the point? Sure, sometimes it's tempting to say something nice just to be kind (kindness is also one of my favourite things), but it's really not the same if it's not genuine. I do worry about coming across as insincere though, so I will sometimes stop myself from being overly complimentary if I think it's going to sound over the top, which I think is a bit of a shame, but necessary to avoid sounding like a zealous freak. Although conversely, being the ridiculous over thinker that I am, I have occasionally missed the opportunity to compliment because I've spent far too long considering whether I should or not. These days I will most often go with when in doubt, say it anyway. I also try to gauge the compliment taking ability of the recipient before jumping in if I can. I might try to ease it into the conversation rather than just saying it outright if I know they don't necessarily feel comfortable with compliments. I understand that, I'm not particularly good at accepting them myself, so I find a gentle approach works best in these cases. Whereas other people just love to be told they're awesome, which is fine and makes complimenting them much easier, although admittedly not as satisfying in the long run.

Of course not all compliments are created equal. I'm sure we've all been on the receiving end of the backhanded compliment at one time or another. Being a life-long fat girl, I have often heard the clichéd backhanded compliment of "you have such a pretty face". Most people would preface this with "I just have to tell you" and an air of exasperation, like they know I'm not going to like it, but they just have to say it anyway. "I just have to tell you, you have such a pretty face...", with the unspoken "...if only" part pointedly left out. Er, thanks, I guess. Then there are the not quite compliments. I don't understand the point of those, either. It's when someone says something like "you've had your hair cut" and leave it at that. Or "is that a new shirt?", then nothing. To me this always seems like a thinly veiled insult. Oh sure, they don't actually say something insulting, but the lack of a compliment implies something less than positive. If you go to the trouble of mentioning it, then surely the obvious thing to do is to say something nice about it. If you don't intend to say something nice, then I assume the obvious thing would be to not say anything at all. But maybe that's just me. There's also the third party compliment, which I've come across a lot. This is where someone won't compliment you personally, but will speak highly of you to someone else, presumably knowing that it will get back to you. I've had this happen to me with people who have been downright cold to my face, but glowingly complimentary about me to someone else. It's still a compliment, I guess, but it does seem like a slightly odd way to go about it. The thing is, I'm not saying we should all go around profusely complimenting each other, or even looking for things to compliment each other on, but if I notice something that I like about someone then I'm just going to say it. By the way, I'm very impressed that you've read this far. No, seriously, most people wouldn't bother. I think that shows an admirable level of kindness and decency that clearly makes you a wonderful person. Cheers!